--according to the Onion.

Sadly, I recognize myself.



Both Penelope and Ulysses are into their sophomore years now.  I'm pleased that it's going so fast.  Something seems a bit glitched up at the boys' house.  The parties don't seem to be on a timer.  I think what happened was that there was a party going on when Barrett was supposed to be abducted by the Secret Society.  Algernon was standing in his way, and the action dropped out of his queue, but he still had his hands behind his back.  I got him unglitched, but then I noticed there were some trouble with the parties.  So I decided to wait to throw more parties until everyone else has been abducted, too.  Funny, because I could have sworn that Ulysses had been, but I guess not.  

The social/romantic conundrums are driving me nuts.  Every girl Barrett has bolts for is objectionable in some way, including his great-great-great auntie Grace.  Meanwhile, Fred follows Romance Sim girls around with Friendly Hug in his queue.  Even Carmilla had to tell him to back off.  

I found my Beowulf notes and I'm all caught up with that and prepping my Blackboard pages AND I cleaned out my office today.  GO ME.

From:  Aspyr Feedback Dept.
To: Professor Butters
Re:  When do I get those flippin' EPs for Mac already?

Dear Prof: 

We here at Aspyr really enjoy your communications.  We've told you repeatedly that we've got no official line on when if ever we will port Free Time, Apartment Life, or any of the SPs for Mac.  EA is being a pain about that.  We've got troubles of our own. Still, the combination of groveling politeness and veiled threats never ceases to amuse us.

In your most recent email, you indicated that you would be celebrating a birthday shortly.  We were curious and looked up your registration data, and while we were at it, your financial records, your dental data, your voter registration, and the names of all your childhood pets.  (You had a cat named Nussbaum?  Seriously?) Anyway, we also noticed your age.  We realized that you were much too old to be worrying about computer games, and that you ought to be more concerned about middle-aged spread, varicose veins, retirement, and reconciling yourself to meeting your Maker, not necessarily in that order.

This made us very sad.  We thought about urging you to get a life, but decided that this would probably be futile.

So we decided to send you free copies of all the EPs and SPs for Mac!  That's right:  a copy of the much-coveted Celebration Stuff is on its way to you!  Those dull uninspired cakes are now a thing of the past!  You will be able to toss those multiple weddings without expiring from boredom!  Your Romance Sims can have cool vibrating beds that you will probably never let them use! We even have something for your freakishly celibate malcontent Cecil--the Giant Fish Tank of Wonder! Enjoy them in good health!---

Nah, not really.  We were just yanking your chain.  Happy birthday anyway, and keep those pathetic requests comin'.

Love,

Those Crazy Cats at Aspyr